For nearly as long as I’ve been a subscriber to Nintendo Power, they’ve entertained letters from devoted fans about nearly anything Nintendo. These letters range from the intriguing to the inane, often leaning towards the latter. I’ve dug out a couple of back issues I have laying around the compound to answer some of these letters. I’m just as qualified as the people who actually get paid to do that to provide answers because I’m on the Internet.
“My friends and I were hanging out at a Burger King when we saw a kid walk by who was playing a Game Boy Advance. My short-attention-spanned friends predictably changed the subject to their opinions about the new Game Boy Advance. They said if I bought a Game Boy Advance and liked it, they would each give me 10 bucks (that’s 80 dollars)! So I bought it with my own money, planning to say that it was great, even if I didn’t like it. I had never been a major gamer, but I loved this thing, I probably played it for over three hours that day. I brought it to school and showed my friends, and I am now 80 bucks richer! Thanks Nintendo!” (Anonymous, Vol. 156 May 2002)
Please introduce me to these friends of yours.
“What happened to the Counselors’ Corner? I liked it as it was very helpful. (Michael Pennella, Via the Internet, Vol. 155 April 2002)”
The game play counselors were phased out and replaced with state-of-the-art gaming robots that have extensive knowlege on a broad range of Nintendo and Nintendo-related products, although nothing specific enough to be of any great use. If you would like to speak with one of the robots directly for game play advice, you may call them at 425-885-7529.
“Great, I just got a 2.217 GPA on my report card. Now, I’m not pointing my fingers at Nintendo or anything, but is there any way the Nintendo Gamecube could do my homework for me or something? (Nintendoholic Dave, Via the Internet, Vol. 155 April 2002)”
Sorry, but the Nintendo GameCube Homework Completion Device has been pushed back until February 2039.
“Is there a vegetarian in your games? (A.J., Burleson, TX, Vol. 150 November 2001)”
No, why? Is there a vegetarian in your games? Hiding out and snatching any wayward carrots that might happen by? If so, tell him to come home.
“PEACH PEACH PEACH PEACH PEACH *gasp* PEACHPEACHPEACHPEACH! (cheez mastah, via the Internet, Vol. 150 November 2001)”
I’m sorry, but I can not believe that someone named ‘cheez mastah’ is such a rabid Peach fan. Perhaps if your name was ‘peech mastah’ or ‘Peach’s Secret Slide mastah’ or ‘Sorry Mario But Our Princess Is In Another Castle mastah’ I might have thought otherwise. It’s plainly obvious that this *is* Peach writing in to toot her own horn. Very clever, but not clever enough!
“Hey, what’s up? I’m the biggest Nintendo freak there ever was , and guess what we got at Levey Middle School? Nintendo book covers! They have a Game Boy Advance on one side and the Nintendo GameCube on the other. It’s so cool! It’s hard to do my schoolwork and not fantasize about playing the totally awesome games. (Brian Simpson, Southfield, MI, Vol. 151 December 2001)”
“<What_NP_Wanted_To_Say>Hey, guess what? We work at Nintendo*! </What_NP_Wanted_To_Say>”
*I don’t actually know what Nintendo Power wanted to say.
“I think the most frightening characters are Wario, Waluigi, and Vlade Divac from NBA Showtime. (Sean Moynihan, Tucson, AZ, Vol.149, October 2001)”
Sure, I mean, I could see it if you put Vlade in one of those hats with his initial on it and some overalls. Those three could make quite the trio when they… No wait, never mind. That would never work. Even though he could probably jump well enough, I’ve never seen Vlade perform a successful ground pound.
“I must get my hands on Super Smash Bros. Melee. I know it will be on everyone’s wish list when they get a GCN. What does the “melee” mean, though? Is it like a tournament or something? (Kevin Autry, Liberty, NC, Vol. 148 September 2001)”
Since you apparently don’t have a dictionary within a four ZIP code radius, ‘melee’ means ‘really fun.’
So there you go. A sampling of the hundreds of messages that infiltrated my bookshelf over the last dozen years and what my responses might have been in a parallel universe.