The Spike TV Video Game Awards are just hours away. Stay tuned to this space for my up-to-the-minute commentary on the proceedings.
7:07 PM CST Whew! a few minutes late to the show, so I missed the opening number. Shame. But I do see Neil Patrick Harris bombing in front on the audience and announcing one of the GOTY nominees, COD:BLOPS
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7:08 PM CST Another Arkham Asylum promo
7:09 PM CST This looks like Sam Fisher infiltrating the Batman universe
7:11 PM CST I have to admit the set looks pretty rad this year
7:12 PM CST Bioware gets the nod for Studio of the Year, kind of going for the big awards early, eh?
7:13 PM CST Dane Cook? Seriously? Were they looking for someone less funny than NPH?
7:14 PM CST Oh dear Lord, Dane Cook is absolutely bombing out there. No laughs at all.
7:15 PM CST Who is Chris Hemsworth?
7:18 PM CST this seems like a long commercial break with no real video game commercials. Do they not realize who is watching this thing?
7:20 PM CST Lots of robed folks entering the stage. Looks like an Undertaker intro. Oh, it’s Tom Howard.
7:21 PM CST Bethesda’s new game is… A new Elder Scrolls game, Skyrim. Very nice trailer
7:22 PM CST NPH trying some puns on some game titles. They’re all pretty awful.
7:23 PM CST Mortal Kombat isn’t dead yet?
7:25 PM CST Kratos in Mortal Kombat? No.
7:26 PM CST 90210, eh? People watch that show?
7:27 PM CST A game about a guy with a hammer? Are we getting a Hammerin’ Harry remake? No? Thor? Psh, whatever.
7:28 PM CST Thor looks a lot like that Castlevania game from earlier this year.
7:29 PM CST These jokes are falling flat for everyone
7:29 PM CST Best action game? Looks like the Wii finally getting some notification. Too bad they won’t win anything unless it’s “Best Wii game”
7:30 PM CST Assassin’s Creed wins. Shocker. These Ubisoft guys are French, which is why they sound like they’re tired and drunk.
7:31 PM CST Strongest character, Master Chief, Samus (pronounced “Same Iss” for some reason), and then Mario. Not sure how that worked out.
7:31 PM CST Army rangers, eh? Guess they’re big sponsors for this year’s event.
7:34 PM CST Denise Richards? Sounds like she’s haltingly reading from cue cards. Yuck.
7:35 PM CST My Chemical Romance with the first
bathroom break musical number.
7:39 PM CST Nick Swardson. Yeah. No.
7:40 PM CST Mass Effect 2? Yeah, I bought that, need to start it, and then finish it.
7:42 PM CST Mass Effect was expensive? I think he meant ‘expansive’
7:43 PM CST Sounds like Alistair from Dragon Age, but this isn’t Dragon Age.
7:44 PM CST Mass Effect 3? Already? Even Holiday 2011 seems soon.
7:45 PM CST You know, I like video games and everything, but I’m not buying a car that’s a ‘special video game’ edition, no matter what the game is.
7:48 PM CST The “It’s Always Sunny” cast. Whooppee. I’m guessing that this is some kind of schtick. Not the funny kind.
7:50 PM CST COD:BlOpS getting the shout for best shooter. Props to my buddies at Treyarch.
7:51 PM CST Olivia Munn is not NPH.
7:51 PM CST Does this show have writers, or are they getting these jokes from Laffy Taffy wrappers?
7:52 PM CST Yay, boners!
7:52 PM CST Is it normal to want to punch NPH in the mouth at all times?
7:53 PM CST Resistance 3, probably another game I’ll never play. Sorry, guys.
7:54 PM CST Nearly halfway home and we’ve seen what, one title that’s not PS3/XBox 360?
7:55 PM CST I really don’t want to see any more Dane Cook Photoshopped into pictures with video game characters.
8:01 PM CST Nick Swardson sucks. I know I’m not the first to say that.
8:02 PM CST Hades and Kratos? I guess they’re “live via satellite”?
8:04 PM CST God of War 3 looks pretty good, but since I don’t have a Playstation, I probably won’t be playing it.
8:06 PM CST Best performance by a human male? “That’s what she said!” Yep, that fell as flat as… something funny that’s flat.
8:07 PM CST My problem with this category is that they pretty much only recognize established movie/television actors and not professional voice-over guys.
8:09 PM CST Whoops, first missed bleep of the night. But that accurately describes this skit.
8:10 PM CST Tony Hawk? He looks tired and stoned.
8:11 PM CST Prototype 2, eh? Could be good.
8:12 PM CST A look at the hottest mobile games? Uh a tiny video in the middle of the screen for two seconds. Yeah, good use of that airtime, Verizon.
8:17 PM CST Angry Birds Live? Ugh, this could be funny, but it’s pretty stupid.
8:18 PM CST Yeah, all video games are about violence and child abuse, right?
8:19 PM CST Another missed bleep, or “sh*t” is an acceptable word on Spike.
8:20 PM CST Best Indie game? And no clips from them? Lame.
8:20 PM CST Limbo wins. I guess that’s good, but I don’t see anything about the game, so I dunno.
8:21 PM CST Deadliest Warrior the game? This looks pretty awful. Kind of like the show.
8:22 PM CST “Jengis Khan?” The board game guy?
8:23 PM CST Portal was pretty good, but Portal 2 is the most anticipated game of the year? Yeah, Okay
8:24 PM CST Yeah, that promo tells me absolutely nothing.
8:25 PM CST Ah, yeah, a terrible song about characters that died in games. With fictional causes of death. Blech.
8:25 PM CST And now for the awards that weren’t important enough to make it to television
Best driving game: Need For Speed Hot Pursuit
Best Adapted Video Game: Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Most Anticipated Game: Portal 2 (Duh, we just saw that)
Best RPG: Mass Effect 2
Best Music Game: Rock Band 3
Best Soundtrack: DJ Hero 2
I’d hate to interrupt these ridiculously unfunny sketches at an awards show by giving out awards during it.
8:31 PM CST Red Dead Redemption won Best Original Score and Something else (the Michael Chickless mumbled it). Good thing we’re wasting time with another song instead of giving out awards. We have a lot to go (including another My Chemical Romance song), and only 29 minutes to go.
8:36 PM CST Ooh, a Top Gear America promo. This show is taking a nose dive. Oh, it’s tangentially related to Forza 4. Still dumb.
8:37 PM CST It looks like we’ve seen the same previews for the same games a few years in a row.
8:42 PM CST A TMZ crossover. And mentioning Kratos again, and Assassin’s Creed and Halo. There were more than three games released this year, right?
8:44 PM CST And more Halo stuff.
8:45 PM CST Why are we waxing about Halo: Reach?
8:46 PM CST Does this violinist have a name? She did a pretty good job.
8:47 PM CST These backstage interviews really serve no purpose.
8:48 PM CST More porn titles? No.
8:48 PM CST Another World Premiere of… SSX? What does a helicopter have to do with SSX again?
8:49 PM CST What the…? Are they trying to make SSX look like some kind of snowboarding / extreme climbing / Medal of Honor hybrid?
8:54 PM CST More Dane Cook. This is last appearance. Thankfully.
8:55 PM CST More love for COD:BlOps. Good for them
8:55 PM CST We’re running out of time. This is going to get real quick.
8:56 PM CST I can honestly say I haven’t really been anticipating Uncharted 3, since I haven’t played 1 or 2.
8:58 PM CST Red Dead Redemption got Game of the Year? Really? And a few more awards (best original score, best DLC, and something else that the announcer mumbled)
9:00 PM CST Lots of awards going to get lost due to time constraints, I’ll have to check out the site later. And no second musical number. Yep, good thing we wasted all that time on the pointless piano songs and idiotic sketches. The show ends rather abruptly. The crowd looks utterly baffled.
Best dressed assassin, Assassin’s Creed
Biggest Badass: Kratos
And the rest get cut off because of time constraints.
This show is in some ways better and worse than last year. It’s like the industry is trying to put on heirs of being a serious industry, but sneaking in bathroom humor, poop jokes and sexual innuendo, just brings the show down to a ridiculously lowbrow level.